i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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