last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
