So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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