Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
