The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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