she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
