so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
