I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
