i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
