you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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