I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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