i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
