my shit smells like andre
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
