Soap is not a condiment
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
