She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
