Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
