3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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