That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i dont even know how to be here
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just invented taco cereal.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My life is pants optional.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
