I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
