remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
