I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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