Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
