i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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