It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
