The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
