You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
