I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
