Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
