I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
