dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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