I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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