Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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