so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
