i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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