Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
