i was born a porn star she said
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My vagina just clenched in fear
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