and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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