Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
