I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
