my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
