I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
