If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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