Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
