dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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