Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
