Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
