You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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