connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Drunk is not a location!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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