mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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