C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
