He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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