I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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