My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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