Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
