i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
