Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
