My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
