she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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