People in love make me want to vomit
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
