when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
