mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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