So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
